Never be lied 14

PSYCHOLOGY ON
YOUR SIDE
'Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most
pick themselves up and hurry off
as if nothing has happened."
—WINSTON CHURCHILL
In order to get to the truth you need to know how
to take control of a situation, command authority,
and above all, predict someone else's response.
These ten commandments of human behaviour will
help you to navigate the sometimes turbulent
waters of conversation and her twin sister, debate.
By understanding how the brain processes
information, you will be able to easily influence
anyone to tell the truth.
TEN COMMANDMENTS OF HUMAN
BEHAVIOUR
1. Ninety percent of the decisions we make are
based on emotion. We then use logic to justify our
actions. If you appeal to someone on a strictly
logical basis, you will have little chance of
persuading him. If you're not getting the truth,
phrases such as "Honesty is the best policy " or
"Lies just hurt everyone" won't sway anybody. You
need to translate logic and sensible thinking into an
emotion-based statement—and give direct
benefits for that person to come clean.
For instance, a mother speaking to her child
might try, "When you lie, it hurts me. I want to be
able to trust you. Trusting you means that you'll
have more responsibility— you'll be able to do
more fun things like have sleepovers and go to the
petting zoo with your friends."
You should offer specific benefits that appeal to
the persons emotions. The attack sequences and silver
bullets are all emotionally charged.
2.  How we deal with good and bad news
depends on how
it is internalized. When a person becomes
unusually de
pressed about an event in her life, it's often because
of three
mental distortions: (1) she feels that the situation
is permanent; (2) she feels that it is critical,
meaning that it's
more significant than it really is; and (3) that
it is all-
consuming, that it will invade and pervade other
areas of
her life. When any or all of these beliefs are
present and
elevated, it will dramatically increase her anxiety
and despondency.
Conversely, when we think of a problem as
temporary, isolated, and insignificant, it doesn't
concern us at all. By artificially inflating or
deflating these factors in the mind of another, you
can instantly alter their attitude toward any
situation, be it positive or negative.
3.  When a person becomes adamant about
his position,
change the one thing that you can—his
physiology. A per
son's emotional state is directly related to his
physical state.
If he gets locked into a position of denial or refusal,
get him
to move his body. This prevents what is called
mind-lock
and makes it easier for him to change his
psychological position. If he's sitting down, have
him get up and walk around
the room. If he's standing, try to get him to sit
down. When
our body is in a fixed position, our mind can
become similarly frozen.
4.  Don't ask someone to change his mind
without giving
him additional information. Remember that
while you're
talking to the person he listens with his ego—and
you must
accommodate it. Many people see changing their
mind as a
sign of weakness. He's given up and you've won.
So instead of asking him to change his
mind, allow him to make a new decision based
on additional information. Politicians have a
penchant for this because they never want to
appear wishy-washy. They rarely say that they've
changed their mind on an issue—rather, they say
their "position has evolved," as it were.
For example, you might say, "I can see why you
said that then, but in light of the fact that [a new
bit of information to justify him changing his
mind], I think you owe me an explanation."
However, the way in which this new
information is introduced is crucial. The more
recent the information is, or appears to be, the
more effective you will be. If you bring up a fact
that occurred some time ago, a fact that he was
simply unaware of, he may not want to look foolish
for not having known about it. Therefore the more
timely the information, the more comfortable he
will feel in re-evaluating his thinking.
5.  Sometimes you need to amplify the problem
in order
to reach a solution. Some time ago I was over at a
friend's
house when his six-year-old announced that he
was angry
because he couldn't have ice cream for breakfast.
With my
friend's consent, I said the following to his son:
"You're
right, Stuart, you are too upset to do anything but
be angry. You'll probably need to sit there for two
whole hours until it passes." Needless to say,
Stuart got over his anger fast.
A friend of mine had a secretary who was
constantly straightening up his office. He would
ask her not to, but she insisted that it should be
kept clean and organized. She had been with him
for over fifteen years and he wasn't about to
dismiss her over this. Nonetheless, this habit
became very annoying. The solution? He went out
of his way to make a mess. Every morning the
office looked like a disaster area. Finally his
secretary mentioned that she thought he was taking
advantage of her good nature by being such a slob.
She stopped tidying up soon afterward.
When arguing becomes futile, stop. Go the
other direction, reversing your position entirely.
Give the other person an exaggerated version of
what he wants. This will often cause him to retreat
to more neutral ground.
6. People do what you expect them to do. If you
say something ten times, you clearly don't expect
them to listen to you. Notice the way people in
authority—police, for example—take control of a
situation. They don't scream, yell, or carry on. A
wave of their hand, and the traffic stops. They say
things once, and directly.
If you're taken to the hospital with a broken leg,
the doctor tells you what needs to be done. You
aren't given options. There's no deliberation or
argument, and you're not asked for your opinion.
If you're told that you need x-rays and a cast, then
you get x-rays and a cast. Could you imagine if
your doctor said, "You know, I think your leg is
broken. What do you think?" You expect him to
tell you what the situation is and what needs to be
done.
Do the same in conversation. When you give an
order, expect people to follow it and they will.
When you shout, you send the message "I'm
shouting so you'll listen to me." The best way to
get a person's attention is to speak softly and
directly.
Not only will people often do what you expect
them to do, but they often feel how you suggest
they should feel. Take a look at three distinct
examples of this influence at work in our
everyday life.
A. When a small child falls, if his parent makes a
big deal
out of it, he will likely cry and become more
upset. The
child's thoughts are, "Mom knows best, and if
she thinks
I hurt myself I must have."
B. The well-known placebo effect can induce
physiological
changes such as lowering blood pressure or
controlling
cholesterol levels. With no more than a sugar
pill, a patient's body may react as if it were
given the actual medication.
C. Someone says you look tired and your whole
disposition
changes. Try this on a co-worker and you'll
notice a complete change of body language. If
you want to be nice,
try the converse and tell someone she looks
great. Watch
a smile appear and her eyes widen. While she
may deny
the compliment, watch her face to she how she
really feels
about it.
7. When we ask a favour of someone, common
sense dictates that we might want that person to be
in a good mood.
The thinking is, if he's relaxed and feeling good
he's more likely to give us what we ask for. This is
usually true, but it doesn't always work when you
ask for the truth. When you want someone to
come clean with the facts, you're asking for more
than a favour. You have to assume that it-—the
truth—is something that he doesn't want to give.
Thus the more comfortable things are, the less his
incentive is. The best time to seek your confession
is when he's tired, hungry, thirsty, whatever. He
won't be thinking clearly and will be looking to
end the conversation as soon as possible. Of
course he's going to be more agitated and grumpy.
Nonetheless, if the only way he can become more
comfortable is to tell you what you want, then he
will.
8. You must be able to walk away. If your
opponent senses desperation, you're sunk. You're
only as strong as your alternatives, and the more
attractive your alternatives, the more power you
have. When you're desperate, the facts look grossly
out of proportion. When this happens, you'll be apt
to do what you never should do: make a decision
out of fear. When your options are limited, your
perspective is distorted; your thinking is
emotional, not logical. This is true for all of us. If
you perceive your power to be nonexistent you are
likely to give in without good cause. By increasing
your alternatives and narrowing the other person's
options, you gain considerable leverage. The
equation that determines the balance of leverage is
simple. It comes down to who needs who more.
There's a saying that the person who cares less,
wins. One way to increase your power is to
demonstrate that what your opponent has to
offer—in this
case, the truth—can be obtained through other
means—in this case, other people. This decreases
his power, and hence his leverage.
9. It's important to know how human beings
process
information.
When it comes to doing what we like, we do
what's called single-tasking.  When we think
about things
we don't want to do, we do what's called
multitasking.  What
does this all mean? Well, if you have to pay your
bills but
never feel like doing it, what's the thought
process you
might go through? You think, I've got to get all of
the bills
together and organize them into different piles;
get out my
chekbook, stamps, and envelopes; address each
letter;
write out the check; balance the checkbook;
and so on.
When it comes to doing something you enjoy
doing, you
internalize the steps inlarger groups. For
example, if you
enjoy cooking, the steps might be, go the store
and come
home and make dinner. If you hated to cook,
everything
from waiting on line at the supermarket to
cleaning the
dishes afterwards would enter into the equation.
Fine, but what's the practical use of this? Well,
if you want to give someone a motive to do
something, you're going to show him that it's
simple and easy. If you want to discourage a
behaviour, you need only stretch out the number of
steps into a long, boring, and arduous process.
Same event, but depending upon how it's
internalized, you'll generate a completely different
feeling toward it.
10.  Every action human beings take is
motivated either
out of a need to avoid pain or the desire to gain
pleasure—or
a combination of the two. What you link pleasure
and pain to determines how a person will respond.
If you want to influence a person's behaviour,
you need to attach pain to the direction you don't
want him to move in and pleasure to the direction
you want him to move toward. Too often out of
anger or ignorance we lose sight of this powerful
motivating tool. If someone's not being truthful
with you, do you want to shout, "You're a nogood liar! I knew you'd only cause me misery.
Tell me the damn truth and then get the hell out of
my life!" This is not an effective strategy. It's a
simple equation: if the benefit of being truthful
outweighs the benefit of lying, you will get the
truth. However, a crucial criterion needs to be met.
The benefit should provide for an easy out. This is
something that most people don't take into
consideration. The liar above all else wants to
change the conversation, move on, and put this
behind him. When you outline the benefits make
sure to include, if you can, that the subject will
never again be brought up, it will be forgotten
about, and you both will be able to put this in the
past. You could offer him the greatest incentive for
being truthful, but if he thinks a lengthy conversation and constant reminders will follow, he's
not going to budge. The silver bullets are good
examples of how to phrase your request for the
truth using the pleasure/pain principle.