MIND GAMES
'I am different from Washington, I have a higher, grander
standard of principle. Washington could not tell a lie.
I can lie, but I won't."
—MARK TWAIN
This section gives you two very powerful tools. The
first shows you how to avoid being lied to in the first
place. In the second, you will learn how to find out a
person's true intention in any situation.
A STRONG DEFENCE: AVOIDING THE LIE
As the saying goes, the best defence is a good
offence. Once you've been lied to, you can easily get
to the truth with the techniques that you've learned.
However, the best time to deal with a lie is before it
turns into one. Confused? This may help. The
following is a technique for cutting a suspicion off at
the pass before it turns into deception.
Method 1
This is the method you use when you want the truth as
it relates to a person's previous behaviour. Here is a
possible scenario: a parent suspects that her twelveyear-old son is smoking cigarettes. The following
approaches are listed in order from worst to best.
a. "Have you been smoking cigarettes? I'm gonna
kill you if I find out you have." This approach is awful,
but unfortunately it is the most common. In her anger,
the boy's
mother links confessing to the truth with punishment.
This destroys any incentive to confess. She is likely to
be lied to.
b. "You've been smoking, haven't you?" This
approach
is a little better because the mother indicates that she
has
some type of proof or evidence. Such an approach will
work
sometimes. The child may not want to add lying to his
al
ready reprehensible act of smoking.
c. "I want to speak to you about your smoking."
This is
what I call a forward assumptive approach. The child
feels
that the parent already knows he is smoking. The
focus of
the request is on discussing it. The parent may get a
response such as "I don't want to talk about it."
However,
the truth is revealed in that statement.
d. "I know all about the smoking and the
sneaking
around. You know I'm not happy about that, but I just
want
you to promise me that you won't drink alcohol until
you're
twenty-one."
This is by far the finest approach because it works
on so many levels. First, it takes a forward assumptive
stance— the parent "knows all about the smoking."
Second, it uses two truisms (see part 5). The phrases
"sneaking around" and "you know I'm not happy
about that" set the tone for honesty. The child hears
two things that he knows to be true: He was sneaking
around and his mother is unhappy about his smoking.
He is therefore willing to accept at face value what
follows. Third, the mother gives her son an easy out.
All he has to do is promise not to drink and he's home
free. There's no threat or punishment, just honest
statements followed by a deal that he believes to be
true as well.
The guidelines to keep inmind for this procedure
are as
follows:
1. Assume your suspicion as fact.
2. State at least two truisms (facts that you both
know to
be true).
3. Switch the focus from a threat to a request.
4. The request should be easy for him to accept and
sound
reasonable.
Method 2
This method is used when you want the truth as it
relates to a new decision. It is a simple but highly
effective strategy to avoid being deceived. Oftentimes
someone wants to tell us the truth, but it's easier to tell
a lie instead. The person knows the answer you want
to hear and will give it to you whether he believes it or
not.
However, if he doesn't know what you want, then
he won't be able to deceive you. Read the following
examples and notice how well the second phrasing
masks your true question.
• "We're restructuring some positions. How would you
like
to work directly under me in finance?" Or "We're
moving
some people around. Would you prefer to get more
experience in finance or marketing?"
• "Would you like me to cook for you tonight?" Or
"Do
you feel like eating in or out tonight?"
• "I'm thinking of asking Rhonda out. What do you
think of her?" Or "What do you think of Rhonda?"
To use this technique, justmake sure that when you
phrase the question you mask your preference, and the
respondent will give you an honest answer.
KNOW THY ENEMY: KNOWING THE
LIAR AND HIS INTENTIONS
The following example illustrates a process that is
becoming very popular in employee screening tests. The
questions below are asked the prospective employee to
determine if he is an honest person. If you really
wanted the job, how would you answer these questions
?
Have you ever stolen anything in your life?
Have you ever run a red light? Do you have a
friend who has ever shoplifted? Have you ever
had thoughts of killing someone?
Many of us would have to answer yes to most of these
questions. And that is precisely the answer a
prospective employer is looking for. Why? Because
the honest answer is yes for most of us—saints
excluded. The employer's task is finding those who are
honest about it. Stealing a pack of gum when you were
twelve years old doesn't make you a bad person or an
undesirable employee.
The goal of this procedure is not to determine what
the
person is guilty of, but rather if he or she is honest
about it. At least then you can deal with the situation
with trust. Let's say that Martha's teenage son, who has
been away from home and living on the streets for the
past two years, wants to come home. Knowing that her
son is addicted to cocaine, she is worried about
whether he can actually clean up his act. She could tell
him that he can move back in only if he enrolls in a
drug rehabilitation program. He will probably agree to
this, whether he plans to do it or not. If he's sincere he'll
say yes, and if he's lying he will also agree to her terms.
This does not give Martha a true indication of her
son's intentions. But Martha has read this book and
instead tells her son that he can move back in if he
quits cold turkey— never doing another drug
whatsoever. Her son's answer will reveal his
commitment to getting well, which is the real concern.
Obviously her son can hardly get rid of his addiction
instantly. So if he indicates that he can, she knows that
he's lying about his intention to get well. However, if
he says that he can't but will make strides toward
getting better, she will know that he is sincere in his
pursuit of wellness.
Quick Tip: People generally need a reason to lie. If there's no
reason— no motivation—then you'll likely get the truth.
Therefore, you want to ask for the truth before he has a reason to lie
to you. Your greatest leverage always comes from knowing what kind
of person you're dealing with. The time to ask the salesman about the
quality of the product is not after you tell him that you're interested
in buying it. Why? Because he may feelthat it's in his best interest
to lie to you. However, had you asked him this—casually, of
course—before you expressed an interest, there's no real incentive
for him not to tell the truth.
When you seek to gauge a person's honesty and
commitment, propose a solution that you know is too
difficult. If he acknowledges the difficulty of your
solution, he is earnest in his desire to reach the specific
objective or outcome. If he readily agrees to it, he has
ulterior motives and is not being truthful.
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